Living In a Swift Kontiki Motorhome - My Story

swift kontiki motorhome

Living In A Motorhome - Forget The House, Poll Tax, Water Rates and TV License... I'm Off!


22nd March 2013

Fuck its freezing !! Hey listen... You are cold if you live in a house or a van or caravan, cracks me up when people say " Hey Taff you must be cold in that van " well actually I'm not ! Its called heatingggggg mate! The same as what you put on in your house. What ? just coz I live in a van you think I'm some sort of cave man? " um Taff ,make fire, stay warm " daft sods but it is cold out. I have loads of heaters in my van so I'm warm as toast, I only heat the rooms I need basically the lounge / Kitchen and I whack the heater on in the bedroom a few hour before I go to bed. Actually can get a bit cold under the duvet so I invented the " Jenkins super deluxe double duvet system " simply put another duvet on top of the one you already have!! But.... things have changed thanks to my neighbour Rob. Here's what happened.. I pulled this bird one night from the pub. no names this time  (so idiotic macho brothers can't get all uppity ) anyway,, I digress, so said bird stayed the night at my place and lets just say the duvet got ruined, its such a horror story I can't even write about it but I will tell you in the pub! day I'm off down to Sainsbury's for a cheapo duvet ( they are £8 - 13 tog cheap as chips ) and as I come back into the park and pull into the car park Rob's there " ...Another duvet? " so I explain to him the super warm double duvet system.. "...Fuck that " he says " ..Just get yourself an electric blanket " ...Hummmm electric blanket ?! I forgot about those, the ex witch used to have one but I always used to turn my side off, anyway, I thought yeh fuck it good idea so I jump in the car and head off down to Argos £26 quid later and bingo. super warm bed and now I'm addicted ! In fact I'm writing this at 11.15 at night with the blankie on no 3 and its warm as toast. Probably not possible in a motorhome wild camping but certainly ok if you have electric in a caravan park !

Apologies for not writing the blog on time or anytime for that matter, I do get mail saying I'm a lazy bastard and start writing ! In fact even the army boys write to me ( there we go lads you get a mention )and funny boys they are too, Thanks Eddie ( Major Eddie actually !! ) while we are freezing it here they are in Malaysia sweating it up and having fun, good on you boys and feel free to email anytime. See this blog gets read all around the world lol !

So what's been happening .... Well had a reasonable New Years Eve,  I did the music at my local pub for the night ( call me DJ lol ) , at first I was a bit reluctant to do it. but they needed somebody and the £300 quid kinda persuaded me ! I did a good job and everybody was happy.

The Angel pub down in Caerleon is finally shutting down, its a real gutter as I love staying there, its super cheap and I love all the crowd and the craic. What the hell am I gonna do when it shuts? Perhaps an idea might be to by a cheap camper and kip in that while I'm down there, in fact its the perfect idea but the bloody caravan park where I live will only allow me to have 1 car and 1 bike ( they have the hump as parking spaces are limited ) so if I get one I've no idea where I will park it, but it seems the logical idea. Not gonna get anything big just some thing VW size will fit the bill nicely. So anyway the pub is closing, now this pub has been a godsend to me, as I have said before I used to live in its car park for weeks, and therefore I feel I owe it a favour so I ring Daren and get the low down on the closing, 23rd of Jan is its final day so I offer to do a free karaoke DJ disco night for the Fri weekend before and as well as me playing the local rock band Innovence ( remember these? I went down last year to see them and met up with Michelle ) are gonna play Sat night so the whole weekend is gonna be massive beyond belief. So I arrange with my mate Martin to borrow some DJ gear and get ready to come down.

tuff and everybody is talking doom and gloom about the roads, I must have said go don't go go don't go 20 times in the end I thought bugger it I'm going even if it takes me 8 hours to get there, so I turn up at Martins place and he thinks I'm a total nutter for going, even more of a nutter coz he says I won't get the gear in my 944.....But that's where he was wrong!! 2 speakers - stands - mixing unit - mics  - leads the lot crammed in and ready to go !! So I leave London at 12.30 - ..........arrive Wales 4pm !! 3 and half hours absolutory pissed it, so much scare mongering about the roads it was bloody empty! Ok a rear wheel drive car on icy roads needs a little tlc but I was still doing 70 odd all the way down. You should have seen the look on their faces when I walked into the pub, I was like a hero!!. The evening went really well, loads of karaoke, music dancing  I did a pucker job, usual crowd plus some old fav's like Carly the bar maid ( god she looked nice !! ) Dee and a few others. Innovence played Sat night and I did some music after. was a great weekend and I legged it back up to snowy London on Sunday afternoon, timing it just perfect to see the spurs game at 4.00pm...or so I thought..1 junction from home and 10 min's from the pub the traffic grinds to a halt on the M25 and I'm stuck there going nowhere for over an hour!!!!

Its nearly the end of Jan and I have to get off the park, as I have said before it shuts down for 1 month, no exceptions and you have to get all your cars off, the lot, which is a pain in the ass as I have to find somewhere to put the 911, lucky for me Eric ( who I went to Beni and Villamartin with in Oct ) says I can stick it on his drive so happy days. The bikes have a new home for a while in the back yard of my mates company Thames rib experience ( as in the ads on this page lol ) and that's about it. Its essential that you drain down these vans before you leave, all water needs draining, anti freeze put in the right places, pipes lagged the whole lot, otherwise if you don't you come back to an abundance of leaks and a busted water heater costing you shits loads. So after all that is done and the vehicles gone  ...I'm off to Benidorm, all booked 26 nights, flying from just up the road in Stanstead on nice early 7.00am flight, Mick at the Sultan pub offers me a meal and a bed for the night, prior to me send off and good old Lordy is gonna give me a lift, top man !

Weather in Benidorm is lush..Ok its not boiling but on the day I land its like 18 degrees which is super great for me as at home its started snowing and everybody is freezing their nuts off! I'm staying at the Picasso hotel where we have stayed before on boys holidays, its just a couple of minutes up the hill from the main drag and perfect. Gonna be here for 26 nights, will be really weird as I never had a holiday before longer that a week. First port of call when arriving in Beni is always the Black Chicken Karaoke bar, always been a religion of ours and I'm not breaking it ! Nice to see some familiar faces in there and as normal the beer is still 2 bottles of Estrella lager for 1.50 ! super cheap. Next day I head off down to see my super buddy Rick, ( who's as loud as me !) he's not working at the Picasso anymore where I first met him he's had enough and is up the road in the Yorkshire pride 3 about a 10 min walk away. After a good old couple of male bonding back slaps we get down to talking football and golf , and Rick organises the games for the next 3 and a half weeks, he likes to think has a good player  ha ha but god he's not,  gonna be easy money ! ( actually I thrashed him and his mate, gave them a good spanking !! ) Milky turns up tonight with his girlfriend for 10 nights so I get some company and we head off to all the normal haunts, not out with them every night as I like my own freedom but nice to have people I know in town. Been great fun face booking all the twats at home with pic's of the sunshine while all the country is frozen and snowed to death !

Talking of football I've bought my new Spurs shirt along as there's a few games going on while I'm here, in the chicken I meet up with Michelle ( not the Michelle from previous blogs a new one ) one fiery red head and a hardened yid supporter! bit young for me 27 but there we go !! lol  Every Spurs match down the red lion pub with other sado fans getting hammered and having a great time. Slight problem on the last day, I turn up at the pub no shirt " where's your shirt? " so twat nicked my jacket in cafe b last night, they will nick fucking everything here and it had my spurs shirt hidden in the sleeve. Talking of nicking crime and theft is massive in Beni, muggings are rife and I aint kidding, Eddie my mate turns up halfway through the month for 10 nights and our second night out we head back to the hotel at about 8. As we get to the gate some bloke appears out of no where pissed out of his head fallen around everywhere ( or so it seems ) and latches on to Eddie falling all over him, eventually after 1 min his  buddy appears and apologies and they go off, have way up the path to the hotel I say.."..Eddie something's wrong check your wallet " and its gone! We race down to the gate and we find his wallet on the floor 200 euros ripped from it. never seen that scam before but one for the book. I've even heard of people here having a plastic bag stuck over their head from behind, suffocated then robbed, true. Benidorm is a great place but just be careful if you come here.

Some lovely motorhomes parked up here, all on English plates only seen about half a dozen and they seem to just park them up on the main road, seen them parked in the same spot for a few weeks, so there doesn't seem an issue with the old bill, council etc, although I would be a little concerned about the local gypsy thieves, Rick offered to lend me his Kawasaki chopper to cruise down to Alicante as my neighbours live that way, seemed like a great idea but as it got nearer to the day I was a getting a little cold feet ! never been on that side of the road before on a bike, Spanish roads are super slippery and its not my bike ! Well god was on my side as when the day came I woke up and it was pissing down with rain , first time since I hade been there. Rick said.."Don't think you should take the bike Taff " what a shame mate ok !! lol

Had some great times in Beni, out every night had some great laughs met some nice birds, met a nice couple in a restaurant out with Eddie one night and she tried to set me up for a blind date with her mate back in England! and believe it or not the women had joined my face book !! See what happens.

Left Benidorm after 26 nights and flew back to freezing bloody London. Good old Milky picked me up and dropped me back at the Sultan pub where I had dumped the porker off for the last month. After a coffee with Mick the landlord, I fire up the porker and it makes god knows what noises I get half way down the road and something wrong, water  is pissing out and it sounds like tractor, so I whack it up to Tony's to sort out and head off down to Wales for 3 nights on the train ( the park is still shut till Fri ) , Well low and behold...I get into Caerleon and the bloody Angel pub is still open!! WTF? It appears they had a few weeks grace and aren't closing till 7 days official this time, so very happy days I get to meet all the gang and get to spend 3 nights in my fav pub. One sad bit is that Reg the old geezer that arrives every day sits in the window doing the crossword is not here? stupid old fucker has gone and fallen over his vacuum cleaner one night at home ( probably pissed ) and is in the Royal Gwent, poor sod is absolutely gutted , they will not let him out and he's gonna miss the last week of the pub. Other things while down there, went out with Dee one night the bird I met in earlier in the year, had a nice night out with my son and had the pleasure of old mates. Then 3 days later back to London and back to the park and my faithful caravan, which looks just like I left it !! no leaks no plumbing issues all 100% perfect!

So here I am back in the park, Will be almost a year since I moved in here, wow a year boy it goes fast.

That's enough for now I promise to write more often

Paul xxx